In recent weeks I have spoken with a number of individuals who have expressed their concerns regarding sexual fantasies and the ramifications of these dalliances. In other words; I have been fantasizing about X when I’m with my partner/masturbating about Y, what does it mean? – does thinking about these things make me bisexual/gay/perverse/weird/dirty?! The simple answer is no.
Fantasy plays a huge part in the sexual experience and often, in the heat of it, our minds will drift into spaces designed to bring us further to point of climax and enhance the sensations we’re experiencing. Sometimes, these spaces can be unusual and foreign to us, allowing exposure to stimuli that we typically don’t allow ourselves to process in the light of day. This can be very troubling for those who classify themselves as heterosexual but take pleasure from the prospect of indulging in same-sex relations, or those who find their libidos drifting towards imagery of a sado-masochistic tone.
Dr. Debby Herbenick of the famed Kinsey Institute once said, “Sexual fantasies are incredibly diverse and they can change many times throughout a person’s life… Sometimes fantasies represent things that a person has no interest in doing during real life. Other times sexual fantasies may inspire someone to consider whether they might want to try a certain sexual experience under the right conditions”.
Sexual fantasy allows the mind to explore the myriad possibilities available to us in a safe way. It encourages exposure to varied images that, at times, can be troubling but ultimately enhance our enjoyment. Many of the fantasies we have during sex would never be acted on despite finding them intensely erotic – it’s no different to dreaming about running away to a foreign country and living a life of quiet solitude during times of stress and difficulty. These thoughts are not often acted on unless someone is 100% sure that they are ready to do so or feel so strongly and with such conviction that they indeed must. It is still highly entertaining to imagine that little beach hut on Madagascar however, and can provide a great amount of relief and satisfaction.
For men, inclusion of another male figure in their fantasies especially when identifying as straight, can cause much disruption. It is important to remember that the mere inclusion of another masculine figure in your mental imagery during masturbation etc. is not a positive indicator that one is gay or even bisexual. It may just indeed be another facet of the broad spectrum of human sexuality. Similarly, I have spoken with many women who have fantasized about sleeping with female friends, colleagues etc. whist indentifying ostensibly as straight.
Though sometimes these fantasies can indeed lead to experiences with members of the same gender or forays into BDSM lifestyles, it is not an overwhelming indicator of radical lifestyle change. It is however, another method of exposure to the varied possibilities that sexuality can include. Unfortunately there is a great deal of misinformation surrounding libido and its implications.
Rigid restrictions and terminologies are applied to areas that require no labeling whatsoever, and frustratingly, many people are forced into tick box categories that simply don’t fit them. For instance; someone who likes to be spanked as an act of foreplay does not necessarily fall into the territory of subordinate slave. In other words, just because you like a little slap and tickle during your times of play, it may not be of interest to you to have yourself suspended from the ceiling with a hundred pegs attached to your bits. Society at large is desperate to shove people into boxes and most certainly does not like the vagaries of sexuality, hense the complicated lexicon inherant in sex based communities.
Sexual fantasy is meant to be enjoyed! It adds to our experience and allows for intensely orgasmic experiences leading to a fulfilling sex life. If you find that after much thought that you would like to take steps to enjoy these scenarios first hand, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and once again, that it doesn’t automatically intone that you are now part of a social-sexual group and must re-arrange your life to incorporate this into your identity. Just take care to make sure that you and whomever else your fantasies include are all signed up for the same thing and that you enjoy yourselves safely.
Play safe
Ryan and the Nice ‘n’ Naughty Bristol Team
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Nice 'n' Naughty Bristol 